[Martin Wallgren]

... it if you like me have a partner who is very uninteressted in all things that has to do with swords and violent history. For me it is a problem on two fields. The first is that my girlfriend gets bored when my friends get over and we starts to talk about well you know the bouting or famous romans or battles. Understandeble I know and we should be able to talk about other stuff, but most of my friends are interessted in the same stuff as I. The other is economical. How do you justify expenses around 100 evro a month plus more if it is an event or trip that month, when she feels a vacation on a beach is much more luring. As you folks know one often has to have a box of money in this hobby to use when a good thing flies by, and I don´t wanna use my hard earned money on promoting a future skincanser. We have a combined economy but have decided that 15% of our salleries is our own money to use on our hobbies and such.

It´s a thing almost never talked about on the forums I think. Only jovial remarks on if my wife/husband agrees!

What´s your experiences?

[Johan S. Moen]

My ex had a pretty good relationship towards LH and reenactment...as she was into it as well as I. Met her in the WMA group I am in now...

But I would get some comments to "slow down"(something to that extent anyway...) if I went on buying sprees, like when I spent 1300 euros in the course of 3 weeks on armour and weapons. We were(and are I might add) both quite young, so while we were together going on vacations and stuff like that wasn't an issue. She lived at home, went on vacation with her family, I lived by myself and if I wanted to take a vacation I'd have to pay for it myself. Heck, I had to pay for everything myself. This was kinda practical in a way though, as we both usually had a decent amount of cash to use for goind out, etc.(though I was probably dead broke a couple of times...).

I suppose if I had a partner that was not at all interested in my hobbies, I'd probably compromise by reducing the amount of annual trips to events, etcetera. At least to me, a relationship is more important than my hobbies, though not to that extent that I'd quit doing WMA and LH. That is completely out of the question; while I would moderate what I am doing if circumstances required it, I won't let anyone dictate what I am to be interested in.

I can understand your gf getting bored in conversations; we all have conversational subjects that bore the wits out of us. Just try to moderate it if you see she is getting bored, even if it doesn't work it is worth a try. Trying to change the "standard" type of conversation completely probably wouldn't work, and there ain't much point either. I bet that if you had to sit in on a conversation with her and her friends, there would be a good chance you would get bored.

One thing though, have you tried to show her the less violent aspects of history? If she is moderately interested in history(with the exeption of the violent part), you might even have a future seamstress at hand

But enough from me. I don't know if this was helpful at all; I seem to be in a bit of a rambling mode these days...

Johan Schubert Moen

[Craig Peters]

[Martin Wallgren]

Woah!

Slow down. This came out a bit rough on my Girlfriend (Or the woman I live with as my wife but we are just not married., don´t know the english expression for it). She is very understanding! I have periods when I almost pass all conventions.

I was more in the line of how to make people in general understand you and your hobby. Parents, non-nerd-friends, workmates and other. How do you do when the blank faces stare at you when you tell your workmates about the latest cool technique you´ve done or how incredible important the victory of Arminius over Varus where.

[Alex Oster]

My ex saw it as collecting "Art", so I ended up with a rather large collection w/o any issues. As for conversations... well, my father put it this way after we split up, "It's about time you find some one your intellectual equal.". She brought nothing to the table. :|

My new girlfreind is very accepting of my interests, but isn't 100% on the level just yet. We have a language barrier that makes things a little difficult sometimes. She's japanese, so its funny when I start talking about my japanese stuff, how I know more japanese words than she does. However, as I explain more in english, she is learning and showing interest.

As for your situation, make a point to subtly comment and point out (surreptitiously) the artistic aspect of things, the work involved, the history, ect... Show her what makes you interested, and the tailor your "sales pitch" to meet her interests about it. Just don't harp about it day in and day out. There are going to be things she just wont understand, and there will be things that she just doesn't care about. If she is "one of the guys" on "guys night out" its her own fault for not being interested, but she shouldn't bring you down to her level. If she doesn't have fun with "the guys", suggest to her that she take that time to visit one of her friends.

communication is key.

Edit: you beat me to the post... well, some of what I said still applies.

[Jean Thibodeau]

[Allen Andrews]

It sounds like to me you are doing quite well with the situation. For me, it is all about communication, compromise, and compatability. My first wife was less understanding that my fiance is, so that is a matter of compatability. A partner may very well indeed prefer a week at the beach over a new sword, so there has to be some give and take. My fiance is a big New England Patriots fan. Personally I find pro sports to be tedious. But for her sake I will sit down and watch games and make an effort to know who is who, etc. I feel this effort pays off when it is time for me to explain why I NEED an Albion Dane.

As far as dealing with the blank stares, I use the WMA angle. I have been involved in EMA for many years. Most people have at least a rudimentary knowledge of some Asian based martial art. So when I discuss my interest now, I draw comparisons, discuss the idea of form following function etc. Once I have laid the ground work for the sword stuff being a MARTIAL ART, it is easier to transition into the history that surrounds European swordsmanship, etc.

So much for my rambling diatribe. I am such a new comer to this arena, I really hesitate to say too much. (But I am a fairly old hand at relationship issues )

[Michael Edelson]

Imagine, if you will, the following horror...

A wife or other joined-income person who is just as interested in arms and armor as you are.

"What's the problem! That would be great!"

Oh really?

You: "Honey, I'm going to buy the new Munich from Albion."
Her: "Oh...I don't think so. I've been waiting for the Fiore for a year now. You just bought a sword three months ago. It's my turn."

Or...

You: "Honey, I'm going to WMAW in September. Just wanted to let you know."
Her: "Like hell you are! I'm going to ISMAC this summer...you went to Blade Show last year. Let's be fair!"

Or...

You: "Hey! Where's my Phat Bastard? I've been looking for it everywhere?"
Her: "I sold it."
You: "You WHAT?!?!"
Her: "I wanted to buy a 1506. That sword was mine anyway, remember? You gave it to me so that I would let you buy the Fechterspiel trainer."
You: "That's it! Draw steel! There is only room for one of us in this house!"
Her: "Fine with me....I've been training with Mike Edelson at NYHFA for two years now and I'm quite certain that I'm more than capable of dealing with a wimpie sword collector like you! On guard!"
You: "Mike Edelson? The Mike Edelson? Of the illustrious New York Historical Fencing Association? Shite! I'm outta here! I never knew you were such a bad-ass!"

...what was I saying? I seem to have digressed...

Oh yeah. I can't think of anything worse than a wife who spends as much money on useless stuff as I do, and we both make a good living. There needs to be balance...and me spending lots of money on arms and armor and her not doing so balances out very well for me.

[Allen Andrews]

[Joel Whitmore]

Doesn't this make you guys envious of Howard Waddell. Not only was his wonderful Amy alright with his hobby, she helped him start an entire company devoted to the production of them!!!! So that would make Amy the ultimate girlfriend poster child in our hobby/obsession LOL. I have been after Amy to see if she has a sister who is free but to no avail. I believe our Albion Goddess is a one-off!

Joel

[Chad Arnow]

I have a few thoughts on this topic.

First, no one says you are your spouse/partner/girlfriend have to be into all the same things. I think it can be an asset if you're not. The diversity of opinions, views, and interests brought into the relationship by both people might broaden the opinions, views, and interests of the other person. Or not. If not, that's still okay.

My wife doesn't like history, writing, or digging into heavy old books. She's no great fan of arms and armour. That's okay. When she asks about something relating to this hobby, I'm happy to answer and teach what I think she's willing to learn. She's been open-minded and accepting of me and all this stuff. She knows which sword is the basket hilt, which dagger is the ballock dagger, and some other things. She's made an effort to learn a little about it and that's great. It's not that she's into the stuff, but she knows I am and therefore it's important to her to try to have at least a little understanding of what is important to me.

This is a two-way street. If we want our partners to have any interest in our hobbies, we need to show them respect for their interests and a curiosity about what makes them tick. This shouldn't be feigned and forced interest. We should want to know more about what interests the other person has. That's part of caring for someone.

In terms of money spent on the hobby, that's between you and your partner. Talk about it together. In my situation, I (often) try to limit my spending on the hobby. It's not because I'm on a tight leash from my spouse or anything, though. I do it because I know I need to contribute to the financial well-being of my family, too, not just to my own interests. I typically try to make purchases with a minimum net cash outlay by selling something else.

In situations where it's not a no-cash-outlay thing, we typically talk about it (if it's a bigger purchase). We'll both talk pros and cons. If I buy this thing, what are the consequences? Is there something else (perhaps more important) that I won't be able to afford later? Which is more important? In the end, she leaves that choice up to me, because life is all about choices after all. We have to decide what's most important and live with whatever consequences that decision brings.

In terms of time spent, that's a balance you'll need to strike. Your spouse/partner/girlfriend should ultimately be more important than your hobbies. You're sharing your life with them after all. Each person needs their own time to do their own things, but we shouldn't use that as an excuse to shut the other person out. Learn to balance your self-time with couple-time. Both are critical to the success of the relationship. The ratio of what works is unique to each couple.

I'm happy that my wife and I aren't xerox copies of each other. It makes things interesting. We can both learn different things and can together become better people than we would be apart. Isn't that the point?

On that note, I think I'll log off and go hang out with my wife. This site has taken enough Chad-time for today, I think.

[Nicholas Zeman]

All excellent points in this conversation. My wife spends plenty of money on ridiculous things, they just aren't swords, daggers, spears or armor.

My wife actually really likes swords, knives, and sharp pointy things quite a bit. She has a somewhat passing interest in learning martial arts and she is definitely interested in history. However she has developed somewhat of an aversion to my intense love of training and studying these things because she sees it as something that takes my interest and time away from her. I have spent a great deal of time trying to balance my marriage, my work, and my passion for WMA. Basically the wife comes first, then the job, then the hobby. If things get a little skewed.... well let's just say I will know it really fast.

I have tried to get her interested in practicing or training with me, even just a little bit, but so far I have generated minimal interest. She keeps trying to get me to go to dance lessons with her, so maybe we can make a trade here or there.

[Robin Smith]

Two words... Girl Friends... And I don't mean you get more than one I mean you need to find female friends for her in the community. M'lady was wary when we started doing this, and I recieved my fair share of eye rolling. However, after we get worked into the group, and found our niche, she found some new friends. Gives her someone to talk to at fighter practice, and the boys aren't even invited to the "stich-and-b!T*#" where the girls get together and weave, sew, and complain about us boys.
Also you could find elements of LH that aren't martial and get her involved. Sewing, pottery, art, cleaning chickens, something.... There is alot more to history than metal bits.

[Craig Peters]

Martin,

I have a suggestion that hopefully might help in regards to tensions about how the money is spent. My mom and her significant other (this is the term you were looking for in English) have quite different interests. My mom has a horse and loves to go riding- she used to compete in various horse shows when she was younger. Her significant other likes model air planes a lot. He loves buying parts for them and building them, and nearly every Saturday morning he's up at five am to go out flying his planes with his friend.

As you can see, these hobbies are about as different as can be. One of the main ways the two of them manage this is by having three bank accounts. The main account is a joint one, where most of the money goes. This is reserved for paying the bills, groceries, the mortgage, and other expenses of this nature. However, they each have their own seperate account too, which is money they can put towards whatever they want. Obviously, the vast majority of the money goes towards the joint account, but some of it is also set aside to their individual accounts.

So, if you haven't set up something of this nature with your girlfriend already, I would recommend it. It allows you to take care of the main finances and all those other issues, while at the same time leaving you both with money for your respective hobbies or interests, whatever they may be.