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Martin Wallgren




Location: Bjästa, Sweden
Joined: 01 Mar 2004

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PostPosted: Fri 13 Apr, 2007 12:16 am    Post subject: How do you tackle...         Reply with quote

... it if you like me have a partner who is very uninteressted in all things that has to do with swords and violent history. For me it is a problem on two fields. The first is that my girlfriend gets bored when my friends get over and we starts to talk about well you know the bouting or famous romans or battles. Understandeble I know and we should be able to talk about other stuff, but most of my friends are interessted in the same stuff as I. The other is economical. How do you justify expenses around 100 evro a month plus more if it is an event or trip that month, when she feels a vacation on a beach is much more luring. As you folks know one often has to have a box of money in this hobby to use when a good thing flies by, and I don´t wanna use my hard earned money on promoting a future skincanser. We have a combined economy but have decided that 15% of our salleries is our own money to use on our hobbies and such.

It´s a thing almost never talked about on the forums I think. Only jovial remarks on if my wife/husband agrees!

What´s your experiences?

Swordsman, Archer and Dad
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Johan S. Moen




Location: Kristiansand, Norway
Joined: 26 Jan 2004

Posts: 259

PostPosted: Fri 13 Apr, 2007 2:45 am    Post subject:         Reply with quote

My ex had a pretty good relationship towards LH and reenactment...as she was into it as well as I. Met her in the WMA group I am in now...

But I would get some comments to "slow down"(something to that extent anyway...) if I went on buying sprees, like when I spent 1300 euros in the course of 3 weeks on armour and weapons. We were(and are I might add) both quite young, so while we were together going on vacations and stuff like that wasn't an issue. She lived at home, went on vacation with her family, I lived by myself and if I wanted to take a vacation I'd have to pay for it myself. Heck, I had to pay for everything myself. This was kinda practical in a way though, as we both usually had a decent amount of cash to use for goind out, etc.(though I was probably dead broke a couple of times...).

I suppose if I had a partner that was not at all interested in my hobbies, I'd probably compromise by reducing the amount of annual trips to events, etcetera. At least to me, a relationship is more important than my hobbies, though not to that extent that I'd quit doing WMA and LH. That is completely out of the question; while I would moderate what I am doing if circumstances required it, I won't let anyone dictate what I am to be interested in.

I can understand your gf getting bored in conversations; we all have conversational subjects that bore the wits out of us. Just try to moderate it if you see she is getting bored, even if it doesn't work it is worth a try. Trying to change the "standard" type of conversation completely probably wouldn't work, and there ain't much point either. I bet that if you had to sit in on a conversation with her and her friends, there would be a good chance you would get bored.

One thing though, have you tried to show her the less violent aspects of history? If she is moderately interested in history(with the exeption of the violent part), you might even have a future seamstress at hand Laughing Out Loud

But enough from me. I don't know if this was helpful at all; I seem to be in a bit of a rambling mode these days...

Johan Schubert Moen
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Craig Peters




PostPosted: Fri 13 Apr, 2007 6:17 am    Post subject: Re: How do you tackle...         Reply with quote

Martin Wallgren wrote:
... it if you like me have a partner who is very uninteressted in all things that has to do with swords and violent history. For me it is a problem on two fields. The first is that my girlfriend gets bored when my friends get over and we starts to talk about well you know the bouting or famous romans or battles. Understandeble I know and we should be able to talk about other stuff, but most of my friends are interessted in the same stuff as I. The other is economical. How do you justify expenses around 100 evro a month plus more if it is an event or trip that month, when she feels a vacation on a beach is much more luring. As you folks know one often has to have a box of money in this hobby to use when a good thing flies by, and I don´t wanna use my hard earned money on promoting a future skincanser. We have a combined economy but have decided that 15% of our salleries is our own money to use on our hobbies and such.

It´s a thing almost never talked about on the forums I think. Only jovial remarks on if my wife/husband agrees!

What´s your experiences?


Martin,

There's one thing I don't understand- you say your girlfriend is bored by the fact that you and your friends start talking about famous battles. But if you're hanging around with your buddies, why is your girlfriend complaining that she's bored? You're spending time with your friends, and it's not really about whether she's interested in the conversation or not.

Of course, if your friends are over all the time, that's a different story, and may point to a deeper problem within the relationship. Otherwise, however, what you and your friends chose to talk about when you hang out is your business.
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Martin Wallgren




Location: Bjästa, Sweden
Joined: 01 Mar 2004

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PostPosted: Fri 13 Apr, 2007 6:43 am    Post subject:         Reply with quote

Woah!

Slow down. This came out a bit rough on my Girlfriend (Or the woman I live with as my wife but we are just not married., don´t know the english expression for it). She is very understanding! I have periods when I almost pass all conventions.

I was more in the line of how to make people in general understand you and your hobby. Parents, non-nerd-friends, workmates and other. How do you do when the blank faces stare at you when you tell your workmates about the latest cool technique you´ve done or how incredible important the victory of Arminius over Varus where.

Swordsman, Archer and Dad
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Alex Oster




Location: Washington and Yokohama
Joined: 01 Mar 2004

Posts: 410

PostPosted: Fri 13 Apr, 2007 6:51 am    Post subject:         Reply with quote

My ex saw it as collecting "Art", so I ended up with a rather large collection w/o any issues. As for conversations... well, my father put it this way after we split up, "It's about time you find some one your intellectual equal.". She brought nothing to the table. :|

My new girlfreind is very accepting of my interests, but isn't 100% on the level just yet. We have a language barrier that makes things a little difficult sometimes. She's japanese, so its funny when I start talking about my japanese stuff, how I know more japanese words than she does. However, as I explain more in english, she is learning and showing interest.

As for your situation, make a point to subtly comment and point out (surreptitiously) the artistic aspect of things, the work involved, the history, ect... Show her what makes you interested, and the tailor your "sales pitch" to meet her interests about it. Just don't harp about it day in and day out. There are going to be things she just wont understand, and there will be things that she just doesn't care about. If she is "one of the guys" on "guys night out" its her own fault for not being interested, but she shouldn't bring you down to her level. If she doesn't have fun with "the guys", suggest to her that she take that time to visit one of her friends.

communication is key.

Edit: you beat me to the post... well, some of what I said still applies.

The pen is mightier than the sword, especially since it can get past security and be stabbed it into a jugular.
This site would be better if everytime I clicked submit... I got to hear a whip crack!
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Jean Thibodeau




Location: Montreal,Quebec,Canada
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PostPosted: Fri 13 Apr, 2007 7:09 am    Post subject:         Reply with quote

Martin Wallgren wrote:
Woah!

Slow down. This came out a bit rough on my Girlfriend (Or the woman I live with as my wife but we are just not married., don´t know the english expression for it). She is very understanding! I have periods when I almost pass all conventions.

I was more in the line of how to make people in general understand you and your hobby. Parents, non-nerd-friends, workmates and other. How do you do when the blank faces stare at you when you tell your workmates about the latest cool technique you´ve done or how incredible important the victory of Arminius over Varus where.


Ah, that is somewhat of a different question. Laughing Out Loud

I guess it all depends on how often and how long one go on and on about a hobby with people who are not involved: Some might be mildly interested and might even become involved themselves ! ? But these would probably be the minority: You might get blank stares at best or " rolling " of eyes if you insist on taking about it to people you know are bored by the subject or worse think you are a bit crazy or dangerous liking weapons.

If someone talks to me about stamp collecting or coin collecting I might listen politely and even appreciate their passion for the subject but I guess I wouldn't enjoy it " much ".

I know I will sometimes tell people who really don't care about my last 45 degree leg press personal best. Eek! ( Like I have done here a time or two like NOW 1080 pounds or 24X45 pound plates. Blush Blush Blush ) If I do it sparingly and don't go on forever I think people will give you some slack in the belief that when they are talking about stuff that bores you that you will reciprocate.

I guess it's because we don't only talk to communicate information: We also need to communicate our feelings about things we care about. We also listen to express our support and liking of people and not only because the information is interesting to us. Bottom line is that we are social creatures and this is in part similar to monkeys grooming each other even when there are no lice to find. Razz ( pardon the simile as it is meant in a light joking tone and not meant to insult monkeys. Wink Laughing Out Loud )

You can easily give up your freedom. You have to fight hard to get it back!
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Allen Andrews




Location: Maine USA
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PostPosted: Fri 13 Apr, 2007 8:09 am    Post subject:         Reply with quote

It sounds like to me you are doing quite well with the situation. For me, it is all about communication, compromise, and compatability. My first wife was less understanding that my fiance is, so that is a matter of compatability. A partner may very well indeed prefer a week at the beach over a new sword, so there has to be some give and take. My fiance is a big New England Patriots fan. Personally I find pro sports to be tedious. But for her sake I will sit down and watch games and make an effort to know who is who, etc. I feel this effort pays off when it is time for me to explain why I NEED an Albion Dane.

As far as dealing with the blank stares, I use the WMA angle. I have been involved in EMA for many years. Most people have at least a rudimentary knowledge of some Asian based martial art. So when I discuss my interest now, I draw comparisons, discuss the idea of form following function etc. Once I have laid the ground work for the sword stuff being a MARTIAL ART, it is easier to transition into the history that surrounds European swordsmanship, etc.

So much for my rambling diatribe. I am such a new comer to this arena, I really hesitate to say too much. (But I am a fairly old hand at relationship issues Happy )

" I would not snare even an orc with a falsehood. "

Faramir son of Denethor

Words to live by. (Yes, I know he's not a real person)
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Michael Edelson




Location: New York
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PostPosted: Fri 13 Apr, 2007 2:01 pm    Post subject:         Reply with quote

Imagine, if you will, the following horror...

A wife or other joined-income person who is just as interested in arms and armor as you are.

"What's the problem! That would be great!"

Oh really?

You: "Honey, I'm going to buy the new Munich from Albion."
Her: "Oh...I don't think so. I've been waiting for the Fiore for a year now. You just bought a sword three months ago. It's my turn."

Or...

You: "Honey, I'm going to WMAW in September. Just wanted to let you know."
Her: "Like hell you are! I'm going to ISMAC this summer...you went to Blade Show last year. Let's be fair!"

Or...

You: "Hey! Where's my Phat Bastard? I've been looking for it everywhere?"
Her: "I sold it."
You: "You WHAT?!?!"
Her: "I wanted to buy a 1506. That sword was mine anyway, remember? You gave it to me so that I would let you buy the Fechterspiel trainer."
You: "That's it! Draw steel! There is only room for one of us in this house!"
Her: "Fine with me....I've been training with Mike Edelson at NYHFA for two years now and I'm quite certain that I'm more than capable of dealing with a wimpie sword collector like you! On guard!"
You: "Mike Edelson? The Mike Edelson? Of the illustrious New York Historical Fencing Association? Shite! I'm outta here! I never knew you were such a bad-ass!"

...what was I saying? I seem to have digressed... Happy

Oh yeah. I can't think of anything worse than a wife who spends as much money on useless stuff as I do, and we both make a good living. There needs to be balance...and me spending lots of money on arms and armor and her not doing so balances out very well for me.

New York Historical Fencing Association
www.newyorklongsword.com

Byakkokan Dojo
http://newyorkbattodo.com/
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Allen Andrews




Location: Maine USA
Joined: 17 Oct 2006
Reading list: 5 books

Posts: 305

PostPosted: Fri 13 Apr, 2007 2:51 pm    Post subject:         Reply with quote

Michael Edelson wrote:
Imagine, if you will, the following horror...

A wife or other joined-income person who is just as interested in arms and armor as you are.

"What's the problem! That would be great!"

Oh really?

You: "Honey, I'm going to buy the new Munich from Albion."
Her: "Oh...I don't think so. I've been waiting for the Fiore for a year now. You just bought a sword three months ago. It's my turn."

Or...

You: "Honey, I'm going to WMAW in September. Just wanted to let you know."
Her: "Like hell you are! I'm going to ISMAC this summer...you went to Blade Show last year. Let's be fair!"

Or...

You: "Hey! Where's my Phat Bastard? I've been looking for it everywhere?"
Her: "I sold it."
You: "You WHAT?!?!"
Her: "I wanted to buy a 1506. That sword was mine anyway, remember? You gave it to me so that I would let you buy the Fechterspiel trainer."
You: "That's it! Draw steel! There is only room for one of us in this house!"
Her: "Fine with me....I've been training with Mike Edelson at NYHFA for two years now and I'm quite certain that I'm more than capable of dealing with a wimpie sword collector like you! On guard!"
You: "Mike Edelson? The Mike Edelson? Of the illustrious New York Historical Fencing Association? Shite! I'm outta here! I never knew you were such a bad-ass!"

...what was I saying? I seem to have digressed... Happy

Oh yeah. I can't think of anything worse than a wife who spends as much money on useless stuff as I do, and we both make a good living. There needs to be balance...and me spending lots of money on arms and armor and her not doing so balances out very well for me.


Thanks Mike, you actually managed to make me chuckle Laughing Out Loud

" I would not snare even an orc with a falsehood. "

Faramir son of Denethor

Words to live by. (Yes, I know he's not a real person)
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Joel Whitmore




Location: Simmesport, LA
Joined: 25 Aug 2003

Posts: 342

PostPosted: Fri 13 Apr, 2007 5:26 pm    Post subject: Albion         Reply with quote

Doesn't this make you guys envious of Howard Waddell. Not only was his wonderful Amy alright with his hobby, she helped him start an entire company devoted to the production of them!!!! So that would make Amy the ultimate girlfriend poster child in our hobby/obsession LOL. I have been after Amy to see if she has a sister who is free but to no avail. I believe our Albion Goddess is a one-off! Happy

Joel
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Chad Arnow
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PostPosted: Fri 13 Apr, 2007 6:29 pm    Post subject:         Reply with quote

I have a few thoughts on this topic. Happy

First, no one says you are your spouse/partner/girlfriend have to be into all the same things. I think it can be an asset if you're not. The diversity of opinions, views, and interests brought into the relationship by both people might broaden the opinions, views, and interests of the other person. Or not. If not, that's still okay. Happy

My wife doesn't like history, writing, or digging into heavy old books. She's no great fan of arms and armour. That's okay. When she asks about something relating to this hobby, I'm happy to answer and teach what I think she's willing to learn. She's been open-minded and accepting of me and all this stuff. She knows which sword is the basket hilt, which dagger is the ballock dagger, and some other things. She's made an effort to learn a little about it and that's great. It's not that she's into the stuff, but she knows I am and therefore it's important to her to try to have at least a little understanding of what is important to me.

This is a two-way street. If we want our partners to have any interest in our hobbies, we need to show them respect for their interests and a curiosity about what makes them tick. This shouldn't be feigned and forced interest. We should want to know more about what interests the other person has. That's part of caring for someone.

In terms of money spent on the hobby, that's between you and your partner. Talk about it together. Happy In my situation, I (often) try to limit my spending on the hobby. It's not because I'm on a tight leash from my spouse or anything, though. I do it because I know I need to contribute to the financial well-being of my family, too, not just to my own interests. I typically try to make purchases with a minimum net cash outlay by selling something else.

In situations where it's not a no-cash-outlay thing, we typically talk about it (if it's a bigger purchase). We'll both talk pros and cons. If I buy this thing, what are the consequences? Is there something else (perhaps more important) that I won't be able to afford later? Which is more important? In the end, she leaves that choice up to me, because life is all about choices after all. We have to decide what's most important and live with whatever consequences that decision brings.

In terms of time spent, that's a balance you'll need to strike. Your spouse/partner/girlfriend should ultimately be more important than your hobbies. You're sharing your life with them after all. Each person needs their own time to do their own things, but we shouldn't use that as an excuse to shut the other person out. Learn to balance your self-time with couple-time. Both are critical to the success of the relationship. The ratio of what works is unique to each couple.

I'm happy that my wife and I aren't xerox copies of each other. It makes things interesting. We can both learn different things and can together become better people than we would be apart. Isn't that the point?

On that note, I think I'll log off and go hang out with my wife. This site has taken enough Chad-time for today, I think. Happy

Happy

ChadA

http://chadarnow.com/
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Nicholas Zeman





Joined: 09 May 2005

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PostPosted: Fri 13 Apr, 2007 7:48 pm    Post subject:         Reply with quote

All excellent points in this conversation. My wife spends plenty of money on ridiculous things, they just aren't swords, daggers, spears or armor.

My wife actually really likes swords, knives, and sharp pointy things quite a bit. She has a somewhat passing interest in learning martial arts and she is definitely interested in history. However she has developed somewhat of an aversion to my intense love of training and studying these things because she sees it as something that takes my interest and time away from her. I have spent a great deal of time trying to balance my marriage, my work, and my passion for WMA. Basically the wife comes first, then the job, then the hobby. If things get a little skewed.... well let's just say I will know it really fast.

I have tried to get her interested in practicing or training with me, even just a little bit, but so far I have generated minimal interest. She keeps trying to get me to go to dance lessons with her, so maybe we can make a trade here or there.
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Robin Smith




Location: Louisiana
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PostPosted: Fri 13 Apr, 2007 8:31 pm    Post subject:         Reply with quote

Two words... Girl Friends... And I don't mean you get more than one Wink I mean you need to find female friends for her in the community. M'lady was wary when we started doing this, and I recieved my fair share of eye rolling. However, after we get worked into the group, and found our niche, she found some new friends. Gives her someone to talk to at fighter practice, and the boys aren't even invited to the "stich-and-b!T*#" where the girls get together and weave, sew, and complain about us boys.
Also you could find elements of LH that aren't martial and get her involved. Sewing, pottery, art, cleaning chickens, something.... There is alot more to history than metal bits.

A furore Normannorum libera nos, Domine
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Craig Peters




PostPosted: Fri 13 Apr, 2007 8:31 pm    Post subject:         Reply with quote

Martin,

I have a suggestion that hopefully might help in regards to tensions about how the money is spent. My mom and her significant other (this is the term you were looking for in English) have quite different interests. My mom has a horse and loves to go riding- she used to compete in various horse shows when she was younger. Her significant other likes model air planes a lot. He loves buying parts for them and building them, and nearly every Saturday morning he's up at five am to go out flying his planes with his friend.

As you can see, these hobbies are about as different as can be. One of the main ways the two of them manage this is by having three bank accounts. The main account is a joint one, where most of the money goes. This is reserved for paying the bills, groceries, the mortgage, and other expenses of this nature. However, they each have their own seperate account too, which is money they can put towards whatever they want. Obviously, the vast majority of the money goes towards the joint account, but some of it is also set aside to their individual accounts.

So, if you haven't set up something of this nature with your girlfriend already, I would recommend it. It allows you to take care of the main finances and all those other issues, while at the same time leaving you both with money for your respective hobbies or interests, whatever they may be.
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